I've got a Ferrari in the loft

I bought some batteries yesterday for my remote control helicopter, which has been gathering dust since the last lot ran out in the summer.

I say ‘remote control helicopter’ when, as my daughters constantly remind me, what I really mean is ‘toy’. It is small enough to be flown indoors and offers hours of harmless fun (unless you’re the cat).

It got me thinking about all the other ‘toys’ I’ve got and how they define me as one of countless boys-who-never-grew-up. My haul of priceless cultural artefacts (also known as "useless tat which clutters the house up") includes:

Antiques Roadshow
Four Tamiya 1/12th scale models of Ferrari 312T (like the one pictured), Lotus 78, Brabham BT44B and Tyrrell P34 Formula One racing cars. Fabulously detailed 1970s self-assembly kits, they marked the high watermark of my ambition to become an automotive engineer. Still boxed in the loft, still dusted off may be once a year.
A Roberts R606MB mains-battery VHF radio. Bought with money I saved up from paper rounds, it is a big FM radio with a wooden cabinet. Now over 30 years old, it still offers a richer sound quality than one of those under-bandwidthed, underwhelming DAB contraptions.
A Swiss Army knife. Again, bought aeons ago with saved money it has helped me do a Ray Mears in hostile, unknown surroundings (cut up apple and cheese during a walk on the Somme)
A Nikon F801s 35mm body, a Nikkor 80-200mm zoom, and an Nikon SB25 Flashlite and a canvas and leather Billingham bag. I was earning money by the time I bought this lot (tragically, I part-paid for it by trading in a steel-bodied Nikon FM. Epic fail). When I took it into Jessops and asked for the trade in price against a digital SLR the screams of laughter could be heard all over the Market Square. Sod them, I thought, I’ll keep it in my studio (the loft). It’ll be worth something one day, as we blokes say.
Beatles LPs. Yup, a whole bag of vinyl beauties. Sold the the hi-fi separates system which played 'em (including a Dual CS505 turntable) a while back, but they’ll be worth something etc etc...

Techno, techno, tech…not
My iPod Touch. My only real concession to the modern world. Great when I’m up on an early start because I can read the headlines without having to wait five minutes for the Windows craptop to fire up. And when I’ve done that I play the Cannon Game on it, tee-hee!
My Tom-Tom XL Western Europe. It beeps warnings when I’m near speed cameras, has a great Homer Simpson voice option, glows nicely at night, and last guided me somewhere…um…er
Four chronograph watches. Four! I can pretend to do laptimes with a steel bracelet, a brown croc strap, a black over-stitch strap and a silicon strap. Jealous, eh?

Boys-will-be-boys: The Tell-Tale Signs
I still watch Thunderbirds when it gets repeated
I’ve been into that model shop in Broadmarsh and checked out an Airfix Lancaster
I find useless gadgets strangely appealing until boredom sets in
I feign disappointment when I’m asked to ‘look after the girls in the toy department’ at John Lewis
I wish I had a cap-gun
I believe toilet humour has a Shakespearean majesty

I could go on (and boys often do). However, I can think of at least one woman and two girls who will be shaking their heads in total despair at this point.
I don’t care. I plan to fuel up the 'copter tonight and take off on another mission laced with danger…for the cat.
(Credits roll, 633 Squadron theme plays)