I’ve been shaking my head in pity at Simon Dare’s vain attempts to get Virgin Media to wake up out of its self-satisfied slumber and realise that when it asks customers for their opinions it might not be a bad idea to turn its ears on.
It’s not fair to single out Virgin Media, of course, because I think we all know that the one area where consumer-facing businesses are always consistent is in being pretty crap at customer service.
It doesn’t matter whether it’s the customer satisfaction surveys, the complaints handling or the new product roll-outs, this is what they really meant to say in that welcome letter...
Dear [insert your misspelt name here]
After carefully considering our own views, we’ve concluded that one of the best ways to continuously improve our business is to continuously empty your pockets (again).
Accordingly, we’ve decided to make a series of changes to your service which will make it cheaper for us to deliver it. That, of course, means that we will have to take a load more money off you.
These clear and simple amendments, which won’t make any difference to anything we do, are explained in the enclosed 96-page booklet of completely impenetrable terms and conditions.
We’re sure you agree that any ideas which improve service will make your life easier. If you can think of any, please tell our customer services team, because they’ve been a bit busy recently trying to flog you something.
If you have any queries about the changes we haven’t made, don’t hesitate to use our new, 13-stage process for getting in touch. Our advisers are always available to talk to you, as long as you call our premium-rate 0845 number, at an hour to suit you – specifically, 3am to 4am on the 12th of Never.
If you have any additional comments about our service, please tell a mate down the pub.
Assuring you of dim-witted indifference,
Mr Illegible Signature
Head of Customer Response Analysis Programme
[C.R.A.P]
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